Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Hey its me your friend who impressed the pharmacist by already knowing the generic version of plan b by name
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Randomize
