Having a random hookup so left but love u
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
Randomize