wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
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