Def gonna have stinky sex sometime soon. GOT TO! she has eligible friends for you, as well.
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
