dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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