I'm pants shitting drunk right now
Small penises have feelings too.
She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
He sent me a recycled dick pic! He could at least use one without sunlight in it, considering it's 10pm
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
Randomize
