When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
