Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.
we knew we'd be okay when we walked up to the dealers house and he asked us to please be quiet as to not wake his nana.
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Randomize
