All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
He asked if I could not say his name during sex cause he liked the girl in the apartment above me.
Randomize
