like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
