you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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