so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
