You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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