Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I'M ALSO PLAYING VIDEO GAMES AND THINKING ABOUT ORDERING A PJIZZA. I'M NOT SURE WHAT MY MUSTACHE WANTS.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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