Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
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