Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
a search helicopter?!
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
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