i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
Randomize
