I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
TXT her NOW! The phone is actually IN her Va-Jay-Jay!!
so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
They showed a guy on tv in a Brady jersey and a sweatpants boner when the NE offense took the field. They didn't show his face. I hope that wasn't you.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
not ubering you a puppy
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize