she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
either way he was missing a nipple.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
Randomize
