I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Sometimes familiar penis is best. Its like comfort food for your vagina.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
