The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
Randomize