Will you blow on my dice?
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
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