So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
as a side note pls kill me
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
