I'm actually pretty neutral about a lot of things. I'm like Switzerland with a penis.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
he won't tell me his last name, but I know his garage key code
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
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