Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
