3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
