Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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