I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Randomize
