Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
This girl is more easily done than said...
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
she has a fucking refrigerator full of four loko and is charging 15 dollars a can.... she is like a mini donald trump
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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