I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
I COULD CUT A FUCKING DIAMOND WITH MY RIGHT NIPPLE RIGHT NOW HOLY FUCK
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
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