you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
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