Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
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