i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Just fell down the stairs..might wanna call the ambulance jus take the weed out of my pocket be4 they come..
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
