if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs
How external is "for external use only"?
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
