you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Just watched my entire extended family eat salad out of the bowl i threw up in last night.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
