if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
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