he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
