she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
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