Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
