i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
