god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Floor bacon is actually really good
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
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