She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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