words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
