I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
It's okay, I climbed on the roof of the bar to get my shoe back. This may become a Saturday tradition. I'll keep you updated
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
