On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
