But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
The best feeling....farting and having the bubble hit your balls
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
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