I'm cheating on the girl I'm cheating on my girlfriend with
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
