im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
girl! he was asleep with his back to me.he farted and i actually felt the wind blow across my leg.nice
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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