who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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