that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
