Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
He was pretty bad, I wanted pizza the whole time.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
