obama could have borrowed sotomayor's dick when he threw out that that first pitch like a girl last night
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
i sent him a nude and he responded 6 hours later
what did he say?
"oh m god,,, whow '!!!!nm"
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Randomize
