Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I don't want to talk about it but I will say, that was the best two headed $68 blowjob. Ever.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
