Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Honesty, no. I just want to shower you with hot dogs.
That's a really terrible idea.
Awesome I'm gonna do it then, thanks for the input
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
