you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
