WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
We were trying to sober you with hotdog buns but you refused put half of it in your bra and said you'd save it for later
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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