Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
Randomize
