we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
you covered his dog in toothpaste. safe to say hes not gonna call you.
Bring me the dick of your room mate Alex and I will reward you in in skittles.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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