My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
