I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
The paper boy just woke me up in the front yard again.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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