Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
Randomize
