My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
